113 - My Journey to Motherhood

- May is for Mamas -

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Show Notes:

Welcome to the first episode in May is for Mamas! Every episode this month will be dedicated to all the mamas listening and will hopefully be encouraging and helpful to you. Before I jump into the episode, I wanted you to know that starting tomorrow May 5th lasting through May 10th, my Legacy Photo System is going to be on sale.

This is the system I created to organize all of my photos. My printed photos, my digital photos, how to back them up, how to get them under control on my phone, how to get a system in place long-term moving forward so that you can get rid of the overwhelming stress of managing your photos and actually enjoy them again. So head to legacyphotosystem.com from May 5th through the 10th to grab yours on sale. It's the perfect mother's day gift, in my opinion, if you don't have it already.

Now, this episode feels vulnerable. This episode feels extra vulnerable for me because I don't feel like I got to this path of motherhood that I'm on like most women do, but I'm realizing that every story of motherhood is different and hard and beautiful and every unique way.

And so in hopes that I'm going to make someone who's listening feel a little less lonely and a little more normal, I am going to be vulnerable and share how I got here, how I got to being a mama of almost four kids. How I love it so much, but how I was also terrified of it at first.

For the full episode, hit play above or read through it below.

In a nutshell, I am a go getter. I love to work. I love to dream. I love to set goals and achieve them. I love entrepreneurship and those are all the things that made me so excited about life. I never dreamed really about becoming a mom. I never dreamed about having babies like most women do. My sister, my big sister—she’s amazing. She has six children. She has dreamed about being a mom since she was little.

I think she prayed and asked God for twins when she was like four years old and crazy side story, but she ended up having triplets plus three other kids. It's just an incredible story. You should go listen to my interview with her. I'll leave a link in the show notes for some extra encouragement, but bottom line is I just, that wasn't me.

I never dreamed about getting pregnant and having babies. And I just, I don't know. I loved a lot of different things in life and don't get me wrong, I love legacy. I love the idea of legacy and teaching your children and passing along a heritage. I've always been passionate about that, but it just took me a while to come around to the idea of actually becoming a mom myself, like a good long while.

So today I'm going to share with you about that journey and about how I was scared and how it, I feel like it didn't look like a normal journey to becoming a mom. So when Will and I got married, we knew we wanted to have kids. We each came from growing up in a family, three kids in it. We felt like three was a great number.

We both were on the same page with that. It, it took me a while to get used to the idea of once we were actually married and he was ready for kids long before I was, he was very patient with me. But my journey started really when we started talking about having kids and how I really struggled with the idea, like I said, I just, wasn't the girl who really dreamed of becoming pregnant and being a mom. And I had a photography business and that business was booming. It was taking off. And I knew like I wanted a family. When I pictured myself old and gray, I saw kids and grandkids in that picture, but actually taking the steps to actually get pregnant and have a baby like right now.

Okay. That was, that was terrifying to me. I'm going to be honest, I felt really alone in this and really strange, but I just didn't ever have a strong desire to have a baby. And I, like I said, I hope this is an encouragement to someone out there who might be walking a similar path, but it took me over six years to come to the place of being okay with getting pregnant.

And even then it was like, I wasn't even excited about it. I was like, okay, Lord. Okay, we can do this. So Will and I, when we were first married, we said, we're going to be on the three to five year plan for having kids. And we changed it to the four year to six year plan.

As soon as we hit the three-year mark. You know, we got married young. I was 21. He was 22. So it, it was fine for us because we were still so young. But then year five came, same thing. Like, I've just like, I'm just not ready yet. And then year six came and he was like, okay, like, I'm getting ready. I'm I think I'm ready to have kids. And I, I just realized, I don't know that I'm ever gonna feel ready. I don't know that I'm ever going to feel like I'm ready to have a child or that I want to get pregnant, or that I want to have kids.

At the risk of sounding kind of crazy, and this feels like I said, kind of vulnerable. I kind of feel even bad saying these things, knowing that my kids will listen to this one day and I might even be ashamed of it later. This is how I felt. I, I just loved life with Will. I loved running my business. I loved my body. I loved my home. I loved the control of it all. And I knew as soon as we brought a baby into all of that, it was all going to change. I knew that.

I loved my sleep. I didn't really like colorful loud baby toys or clutter. I loved the idea of having a family. I honestly always pictured myself with teenagers. I could never picture myself with little babies. Breastfeeding totally weirded me out. Like everything just felt so weird. You know, I was never one to volunteer in the nursery at church, but loved youth group. My husband was a youth pastor for five years. Teenage years does not, does not intimidate me. But the baby years, toddler years, I just, it scared me.

It, I didn't like messes. I didn't like drool. I didn't, you know, just all those things scared me. So getting pregnant and knowing I was saying yes to all of those things was just a huge act of surrender for me. And childbirth, that was like a whole other subject that I couldn't even, I couldn't even wrap my head around and couldn't talk about, I was so scared of it. So terrified of it, the list goes on and on.

But I'm so thankful looking back and remembering how I felt that God changed my heart. So I want to share a little bit about how I got to that point, the place of surrendering to motherhood and being okay with starting a family, to the point now where I'm about to have my fourth baby.

And I am in love with being a mom. And I am crazy, crazy about these kids. So it began in the beginning of 2014. Like I said, we were in year six of marriage. I realized I was never really going to be ready. And January of that year, the Lord called me to fast the month of January about motherhood.

I didn't give up all food. I just give up sugar, processed food, did some really clean eating, but I did it almost as like a Daniel fast with the intent of digging deep in my heart and asking God, w”What do you have for me? I'm specifically fasting about motherhood. I'm praying about motherhood, like every day. What do you want for me?”

Because I just needed a word from the Lord about this. At that point, I didn't even want to fast or pray about motherhood, but I did it out of obedience. And I also was not ready to get pregnant. I didn't want to start trying. I just wasn't ready. And I'll tell you, there's no voice from heaven or specific moment that my heart was changed.

But over the course of this month, it was like the first step in the journey where my heart really began to change. And there was a theme that the Lord subtly spoke to me throughout that month, over and over again, in sermons and songs and scripture and books I was reading in my quiet times in the morning and it was one word: surrender.

And the truth is this that a life of a believer should be marked in surrender. The life of a believer should not be marked with selfishness or pride, and the more that I prayed, the more I heard the voice of the Holy spirit gently nudging me towards surrender. Just like the water song in Hinds’ Feet on High Places. I don't know if you've ever read that book, but there's a sweet song in that book. The Lord was teaching me that the lower I go, the more beautiful my life has to him. Here are the words of that little song or poem. It says,

Come, come let us away
lower, lower every day.
Oh, what joy it is to race down,
to find the lowest place.
This the dearest law we know,
it is happy to go low.
Sweetest urge and sweetest will,
let us go down lower still.
Hear the summons night and day
calling us to come away.
From the Heights we leap and flow
to the valleys down below.
Always answering to the call
to the lowest place of all.
Sweetest urge and sweetest pain,
to go low and rise again.

I read this one and I was wanting it and fighting it the same time. It was, as it was specifically praying for motherhood. It was as if the Lord was just saying, surrender, go lower, go lower than that. Go. Even lower than that, just keep going. Lower still. Surrender, surrender to motherhood, surrender to stop the birth control, surrender your control. I tearfully let Will know one night that I was not ready to start trying, but I was ready to stop birth control and just see what happened. Oh, that was scary for me. I know. Listen, I just want to stop here and say, I know words sound. It'd be crazy to some of you who love babies and have always wanted a family.

And I want to also acknowledge that these words could be painful to so many of my friends out there who desperately want a baby who has struggled with infertility, who wants to grow their family more than anything. All I can say is I'm so thankful for a God who is so personal and who is so gracious to take each of us by the hand and lead us in our own journeys.

So going back to that place in my journey to motherhood where I stopped birth control, but couldn't agree to technically try to have a baby. Month by month, I would just continue to pray. And I get a tiny bit more accustomed to the fact that I could get pregnant, but I also was okay, every month that I didn't get pregnant, it was like totally great with it.

I never got like, really super excited about the idea of having a baby, but I just felt like the Lord little by little by little, was teaching me more of Himself, informing my heart, preparing my heart for being a heart of a mom, which is a little bit more selfless, a lot more willing to surrender all of my plans and after about six months, that six month time period, I just was so okay with whatever happened. Totally fine to not get pregnant, totally fine to get pregnant even though I was still weirded out by that thought. And I think it was after about six or seven months that, you know, we, we hadn't gotten pregnant yet. We decided it was time to prevent just for a few months so that we wouldn't have a baby in the middle of wedding season because it's wedding season, and that's just really difficult, but that's where it gets really funny because that's exactly when I got pregnant.

No, I don't see this as God laughing at us. And in some cruel way, doing exactly what I didn't want because every step of this journey he's been so good and so gracious and so patient with me, I just knew that his plan was trustworthy from the start.

So even though I had to give up a wedding to one, one of my associate photographers at the time, even though that was not my choice or my plan or my timing, it was His, and that timing was such a huge gift entered into that motherhood season, just completely with open hands, completely vulnerable, knowing that this is his life, it’s not mine. He is the one in control of when it starts.

And the reality was the creation of this new life was so much more important than booked weddings or my schedule, or even predictable finances, which was what I wanted. I wanted that security of being able to book a bunch of weddings and have that income and be able to do my work.

Listen, my security started to change and it began to just lie right in the middle of being in his plan and not my timing or my schedule or wedding season or no wedding season, it was all in his control. And when I hit that surrender button, I pushed that button like, yes, Lord, I'm surrendering. I had to surrender everything. I'll never forget that even though the timing was not what I wanted, I had this weird supernatural peace from the moment I found out I was pregnant. Like, this is bigger than me. This is bigger than my wedding photography plans. Yes, I cried. And I prayed and I freaked out. I remember just totally freaking out the first time I found out I was pregnant.

Those things are normal, but I also remember just laughing like so much from this place of trust and joy thinking “I surrendered this to the Lord and he has this. He has it.” So that was, that was my journey to becoming a mom. That was the journey to the very beginning of becoming a mom. And it really is all wrapped up in the word surrender.

And I've also come to learn more about myself through these years of becoming a mom and having gosh, three babies, and now I'm about to have my fourth. I'm still me. I think I was scared. I was going to lose myself. I'm still the same independent, goal-setter, anti-clutter, love my sleep, entrepreneur, love my husband, love my focus, love my goals Nancy, that I've always been. And this new part of me has been born. I'm also a mama who loves to feel these kicks. I'm going to cry. Who loves the challenge of planning, a maternity leave, who loves those newborn days have taken more and more time for maternity leave. Every time I've had a baby, because there's nothing like it.

It's the hardest and most sacred moments of life. You know, I love seeing my husband be a dad. Like I, I love all of it so much. And so I'm still the same me, but I'm also a new me. I don't know. I think for some reason, I just thought I couldn't be all those things at once. Like I thought I'd have to sacrifice my ambition for mommy hood or sacrifice who I was.

And there is sacrifice that comes with it. I'm not saying there's not, there has been so much of my life I've had to lay down, but I'm realizing it's all who I am. The way that God made me and the things that I love to do is still there. And I love being a mom. I don't have to choose one or the other.

I just have to choose to be comfortable in the skin I'm in. To be comfortable and confident in who God made me to be. Oh, Tears. Okay. So, in God giving me that word surrender, I have realized it has been like the most loving thing that he has ever done for me is to tell me to go lower.

It's His good plan for me. Like it's much sweeter when I lay down my own expectations and plans and just embrace his isn't that how it always is with him? So many tears this episode. Okay. So fast forward, seven years standing here before you today, I have faced so many fears. I have faced the fear of losing myself and I have let go of that business that I loved so much.

I have given birth naturally three times. Talk about conquering some major fears. It has been the craziest wildest ride put seven years after the Lord spoke that word of over me here I am. I am about to be a mama for the fourth time. I know that this story looks different. It feels different. I feel like I said, vulnerable, sharing that, but I've come to the place where I'm okay with that. Like God is the one who is writing my journey and the story. I pray that one day when my kids listen to this, that they are just going to know that like His plans and desires for us are better. Like they’re so much better than our own, you know, I'm not, I'm not going to be the mom that's making tons of Pinterest boards about the nursery. I don't have any plans for a nursery this time. I'm not probably going to take, I know I'm not going to take weekly photos of my belly growing. I just, life is crazy right now. You know, I'm content to be me.

I love reading books. I love feeling this baby kick. I love going to the park. I love, I do love taking photos with, of like maternity, birth, newborn. You know, I love being intentional in the ways that I am intentional. I'm just going to be me. I'm going to be me as a mama and own the story and know that I'm a good mom, because God asked me to walk this path. And He is equipping me every step of the way.

And it’s His grace, not because I've always dreamt of being the best mom or have studied or read the best books. But because God, He's the one leading me and He is the best, most faithful, most generous, most loving teacher there is.

Okay, I don't really know how to end this episode other than just saying like thank you for listening because it feels, it just feels like a lot. And I think, I don't know what God is leading you to. I don't know what kind of season He is leading you through, but I do know He's faithful and He's good and He's trustworthy.

So while I've cried all through this episode, I think because I'm just remembering, like this was so real for me then, and standing here recounting that back to you just reminds me of how faithful He has been to me as a mom. And He's going to be faithful again, as I'm looking just a few months down the road and going through birth again and going through that newborn season again, it feels like a lot, but He's just so faithful.

And so I just want to speak to you today, wherever you are in this journey, go lower. Surrender, and He will be there to grab you by the hand and lead you no matter what that looks like for you.

Quick reminder: The Legacy Photo System is going to be on sale from May 5th through the 10th, head to Legacyphotosystem.com to grab yours on sale and I'll teach you all the ways of getting your photos organized once and for all. And if you never want to miss one of my sales for this course or other things that I offer, or if you just want to get behind the scenes fun emails, be sure you're on my email list at nancyray.com/emails.

I'm going to repeat the words from Hinds’ Feet on High Places:

“Come, oh come, let us away. Lower, lower every day. Oh what joy it is to race down to find the lowest place.”

No matter where you are and your motherhood journey, or where you are in your walk with the Lord, I hope today you remember that when we go low, when we humble ourselves and call Him Lord yet again, He has the greatest treasures for us waiting there.

Thanks for listening.

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